A study was released today showing the correlation between microphone usage and global warming.  It should have been obvious, but before there were microphones there was no global warming.  Global warming is caused by the hot air released when microphones are used.

Now of course the solution to this crisis is microphone control.  Only elected politicians and those who can show a compelling need that is in the government's interest should be allowed to possess, transport, own, or use these dangerous instruments.  Licensing must be at the Federal level after a through background check.  Training in the proper use of microphones should be required, perhaps a class called Global Warming and Microphones with a special guest lecture by Al Gore.

Enforcing the new "microphone laws" will be one of the prime duties of Obama's new "Civilian National Security Force that's just as strong, just as well-funded" as the US military.  After all if we are to reduce the hot air that is the cause of global warming we must get these dangerous devices that threaten the entire world off the street.  Those who persist in trying to keep and hide their microphones instead of turning them in like honest folk will have to be found and locked up for the public good.  Every citizen will be instructed in the signs of secret microphone ownership and encouraged to turn their neighbors in to the Civilian National Security Force.

The Commissioner of Microphones